By: Chelsea Perry
Charlottetown is one of Canadaâ€™s safest cities, but alas, we all have to die someday. Based on your zodiac sign, how will you meet your demise at UPEI?
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Fearless leaders, Aries never miss a chance to push limits. Youâ€™ll die getting iced one too many times at the clock tower. Classic.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Stubborn to a fault, a Taurus will die doing exactly what they were explicitly told not to do. Streaking across University Ave after a wet/dry sounds like a great plan until you get nailed by a T3 bus gone rogue. Shit happens.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Geminis, your fatal flaw is your inability to make a decision. Youâ€™re that person who waits in the Timâ€™s lineup for 15 minutes, gets to the counter, and STILL DOESNâ€™T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT. Someday, youâ€™ll get mobbed to death by angry, caffeine-deprived students, and it will be entirely warranted.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Youâ€™re going to die of a broken heart after yet another disappointing Tinder date. Itâ€™s PEI, man. She was probably your cousin. Sayanora, seÃ±orita.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your courage and dedication is often overshadowed by a flair for the dramatic. You met your tragic fate after That One Maleâ„¢ decided to play â€œdevilâ€™s advocateâ€. We feel for you. We really do.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The term â€œworkaholicâ€ takes on a whole new meaning for Virgos. Five clubs, double majoring, working two jobs, and a student athlete? NO PROBLEM ITâ€™S FINE YOUâ€™RE FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE. You die after the amount of redbull in your bloodstream reaches toxicity.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras will look at all sides of a story before choosing their allegiance. Consequently, you are incredibly loyal, almost to a fault. When it comes to choosing between your lunch or being mauled by the campus crow, wellâ€¦ at least you wonâ€™t die hungry.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
A Scorpio may seem calm and collected, but deep down, they are obsessive, and perhaps a wee bit vengeful. You died avenging the death of your Libra friend who got murdered by the crow. An honourable cause, comrade.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
A Sagittarius is nothing if not curious. You died trying to sell feet pics on the dark web to pay off student loans. We stan a financially responsible King/Queen.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You passed away suddenly after seeing your GPA at the end of the semester. I guess you could say that your grades werenâ€™t the only thing that dropped.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Oh sweetie, you have such a wholesome heart, and children love you. Just wait until the Zombie Apocalypse begins and all the darling children at the UPEI daycare turn into little brain-eating monsters. Bye, Felicia.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
A Pisces will get struck dead by campus security because they were too preoccupied writing lyrics in their iPhone notes to look up. Ah well, at least youâ€™ll get your tuition paid.
Image credit: AIPT