By: Chelsea Perry
Charlottetown is one of Canada’s safest cities, but alas, we all have to die someday. Based on your zodiac sign, how will you meet your demise at UPEI?
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Fearless leaders, Aries never miss a chance to push limits. You’ll die getting iced one too many times at the clock tower. Classic.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Stubborn to a fault, a Taurus will die doing exactly what they were explicitly told not to do. Streaking across University Ave after a wet/dry sounds like a great plan until you get nailed by a T3 bus gone rogue. Shit happens.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Geminis, your fatal flaw is your inability to make a decision. You’re that person who waits in the Tim’s lineup for 15 minutes, gets to the counter, and STILL DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT. Someday, you’ll get mobbed to death by angry, caffeine-deprived students, and it will be entirely warranted.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’re going to die of a broken heart after yet another disappointing Tinder date. It’s PEI, man. She was probably your cousin. Sayanora, señorita.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your courage and dedication is often overshadowed by a flair for the dramatic. You met your tragic fate after That One Male™ decided to play “devil’s advocate”. We feel for you. We really do.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The term “workaholic” takes on a whole new meaning for Virgos. Five clubs, double majoring, working two jobs, and a student athlete? NO PROBLEM IT’S FINE YOU’RE FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE. You die after the amount of redbull in your bloodstream reaches toxicity.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras will look at all sides of a story before choosing their allegiance. Consequently, you are incredibly loyal, almost to a fault. When it comes to choosing between your lunch or being mauled by the campus crow, well… at least you won’t die hungry.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
A Scorpio may seem calm and collected, but deep down, they are obsessive, and perhaps a wee bit vengeful. You died avenging the death of your Libra friend who got murdered by the crow. An honourable cause, comrade.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
A Sagittarius is nothing if not curious. You died trying to sell feet pics on the dark web to pay off student loans. We stan a financially responsible King/Queen.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You passed away suddenly after seeing your GPA at the end of the semester. I guess you could say that your grades weren’t the only thing that dropped.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Oh sweetie, you have such a wholesome heart, and children love you. Just wait until the Zombie Apocalypse begins and all the darling children at the UPEI daycare turn into little brain-eating monsters. Bye, Felicia.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
A Pisces will get struck dead by campus security because they were too preoccupied writing lyrics in their iPhone notes to look up. Ah well, at least you’ll get your tuition paid.
Image credit: AIPT