By: Daniel Brown
It’s been two weeks since classes began at UPEI, and the controversial fence issue remains unchanged. While the Student Union continues to pursue possible solutions, students residing in the upper Queen St. area are still forced to take the additional fifteen minutes into account.
At this point it’s hard to say whether or not the gate will be reopened, so it’s time to start considering alternative means of traversing this tedious detour. After days of extensive research, the Cadre’s top analysts evaluated each of the many possibilities, and have successfully formulated the best and most efficient remedy to this campus-wide tribulation. Students of UPEI; buy a scooter.
While it may come off as strange, unconventional, or socially unacceptable, there’s no reason to be on the fence regarding this proposal. Our analysts guarantee that not only is it economically feasible and remarkably effective, but that the vehicle’s fundamental design enables it to be super rad. Let’s not delve into the logistics of this proposition just yet, though. Rather, let’s witness the scooter in action.
As shown, scooters are capable of potentially cutting 1/3 of travel time off of the grand total, in comparison to our previous time trial which was performed on foot. This is not taking into account that the scooter used in our field test is old and rusty and I’ve had it since I was twelve. Ranging from 50-60 dollars at most mainstream department stores, any current Razor brand scooter should do the trick. To put this into context, consider that fellow students are paying $118 dollars for a general full-time parking pass this year; more than double what you’d pay for this nifty little two-wheeler. Plus, it doesn’t require any form of fuel, as it is simply powered by the motivation of its pilot.
However, one problem still persists; what about the upcoming cold and treacherous winter months? Well don’t worry, as this question has been asked and a viable approach has been determined. UPEI Student Union President, Dana Kenny, suggested students embrace the Canadian weather and attach some skies onto their scooter. “Students who indulge in Scootskiing as a form of transportation, should consider jimmy rigging some rope to their Scootski’s handlebar along with a high powered magnet attached” said Kenny. This would allow for students to latch onto passing vehicles, and shorten their commute time to campus while also neutralizing the negative effects of the elements. Kenny continued, “We are currently looking for any city bylaws surrounding Scootskiing, but we’ve yet to uncover anything.” When asked if he thought the city would bother to enforce such a bylaw, Kenny surprisingly had no comment. From what the Cadre has uncovered, Scootskiing is probably a valid and legal mode of transportation for Charlottetown residents.
While the risk of looking like a doofy model kid in a Sears Catalogue is inherent, it is important to remember what is at stake. The fall semester is still young, and the stress of juggling class workloads, part-time jobs, and social lives is firing a menacing stare at us from the horizon. Any opportunity to gain a little more time each day is a welcome one, and unless the gate is reopened in a sudden turn of events, investing in a scooter would allow for this to be accomplished and for UPEI to hold races on campus which would be so sweet.
Don’t forget to wear a helmet.
This is a satirical report of the ongoing FenceGate Scandal and neither The Cadre nor the UPEI Student Union is responsible for any injuries sustained while Scooter Racing OR attempting Scootskiing.
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