Ah, Friday the 13th, the one day of the year when Jason teaches young adolescents the benefits of not having sex. As much as we want to be a machete-wielding, unkillable monster that thinks the best form of abstinence is some cold steel to the skull, it’s just not socially acceptable. So where to go now? Well, let’s look at something scarier. Only if good ole Jason were still alive during this age of Tinder, man oh man, would he have his work cut out for him!
Last Friday morning, on arguably the eeriest day of the year, Cadre field reporters crept around campus looking for students who would share their deepest, darkest fears, and by “deepest, darkest fears,” we mean the worse experiences that they have had on a dating app. Eight brave souls shared tales with The Cadre, recounting for us that one time swiping right went terribly terribly wrong. (These students have requested to remain anonymous due to the nature of the subject matter.)
“I met this guy on Tinder, and he seemed like an absolute sweetie-pie, but then he just got like super obsessed with me. One night, I stopped answering him because I was just trying to hang out with my gal pals and he like totally lost his shit. After I got home that night, I went to bed and at 2 am… and he was inside my house. He woke me up and he wanted to know why I was mad at him. WTF!”
Spooky Rating: 7/10. Real Freddy Krueger shit happening there.
“Ok, so sometimes I let my guy friends on my Tinder account to fuck with… I mean mess with, not literally fuck with other guys. Anyway, one of my friends messaged a guy that I matched with, but he didn’t know that I had already been talking to him like two months ago. So my friend messaged him and asked him what he was doing later that night and if he wanted to hook up and stuff. I didn’t see the messages, and that guy came into my work the next day and he made a really weird comment about it and I was like what the fuck. I checked my Tinder and there were all the messages, so that was embarrassing……”
Spooky Rating: 5/10. Some real Ghosting up the street.
“ I got this Tinder message from this guy saying ‘What’s up, you crazy, fly-fish eating ham tuna wrap?’ and I really really do not know how to take that.”
Spooky Rating: 3.5/10. Gillman deserved a better death than this.
“One time, I went on a date with a guy, and we were going to go to supper but he kinda forgot so we ended up just going to DQ and then he drove me around Charlottetown in his MOM’s soccer van for like literally over two and a half hours AND he talked about himself the whole time.
Spooky Rating: 4/10. They should have pretended they were in the Mystery Machine and went and solved some crimes.
“Okay so one of our friend’s friends has had a boyfriend for the longest time now, and I just happen to see her on Tinder one day. At this time she still had her boyfriend and everything. Anyway, she apparently only had it because she wanted to go to some hockey team party, and well you know…. So I guess my creeping on Tinder ended with me like kinda breaking up this couple’s big long relationship. Yeah, that’s as crazy as it gets for me, I’m not that wild!
Spooky Rating: 6/10. This story is about as convincing as Norman Bates was.
“ I was using the gay dating app Grinder, and this guy messaged me and it started off like pretty normal like he said ‘What are you looking for?’ blah blah blah. And I gave him like a typical answer, ‘Oh, you know, seeing what’s around’ and then I asked him the same question. He says “I want to be a slave” and I was like “Excuse me, what?” and he says “I want to be tied up and blackmailed into doing it” … and all this other stuff. Then the guy asks me to force feed him and he was like “everything is on the table for what we can do”. I was just like look “This seems like a full-time job, so I’m going to go now” and like, hey, I wish him the best of luck. He’s still out there if anyone wants some of that!”
Spooky Rating: 9/10. Sounds like a Jigsaw Fanatic.
“I got Tinder to get over a girl, and I just had it as a joke and didn’t expect to use it. I showed a coworker my profile and showed him like the pictures of me and whatever, and he told me I looked like a lesbian. To be fair, he told me I look like a nice lesbian that he would buy weed off of, but after being called a pot-selling lesbian, I deleted the app.”
Spooky Rating: 3/10. He might be referring to Jennifer’s Body.
“Okay, so I matched with this guy on Tinder. We were talking and things were going fine, and one day he asked me if I wanted to go for coffee. I said yes and this was my first (and last) Tinder date I’ve ever gone on. When we went out for coffee, the first thing he did was put his arm on my shoulder and say ‘Oh, you’re so short!’ and I’m just like frig off like who are you? So we sat down and for two hours and he just talked about himself the entire time. And I was just listening, wondering what was going on.
After our coffee, he asked me to go look at mattresses. I asked him why and he said we should go lie down. I didn’t know what to say so I just went with him to the mattress store. I got in his car (which he was bragging about earlier). He wasn’t even buying a mattress, he just wanted to look at it (WTF?). In the middle of the store, he told me to lay on the mattress, and I was just so weirded out. When I got on, he tried to make out with me. It was the first date! And I was like get away from me. When I asked to leave, we just sat in the car and he rambled on about his ex-girlfriend. When we got back to my place, he just kept staring at me and I didn’t know what to do, so I kissed him, like such a quick peck.
After that, he thought we were dating. Like immediately after. He just kept texting me constantly. We ended up hanging out again after a couple of days, and we were going to dinner and a movie. When we went to supper, I was waiting around in Indigo for him to get ready. I found a book I liked and posted a snap saying ‘Oh I really want this book’. He responded to the story saying that he had it and that I can borrow it. I thanked him for his kindness but then he replied ‘Or, don’t buy it. I’ll read it to you every week, all summer on the beach.’ and I was like WTF.
The dinner part was fine, but he was acting really weird. I was definitely not into him. I saw my friend and chatted with her for a bit, but when I went back the guy was mad that I didn’t introduce him to her. This was our second date, I wasn’t going to do that. We got to the movie and I did not want to watch the movie because I was so tired. As soon as we sat down, he started to put his arm around me and tried to wrap his leg around me. I had to tell him that I wasn’t comfortable with PDA*. He thought I meant that I didn’t want to kiss him, which wasn’t the case I just didn’t want him all over me. Afterwards, he fell asleep during the movie and started to drool on my shoulder. He woke up, laughed, and said he was sorry. The whole time the movie was going, I just wanted it to be done like I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was so uncomfortable the whole time.
After we left the movie, I told him I wanted to go home. He complained when I said I couldn’t hang out after, but I told him that I had a really long week and that I wanted to go home. When I was driving him home, he told me to go to a secluded area. I was like WTF, and I pulled into a parking spot, and he said: “No, go around back”. He then told me to park the car and started to kiss me. I did not want to do that, so I told him to stop. He then asked if we could go into the back seat of the car. I had had enough, so I drove him home and when he got out, he slammed the car door. Around bedtime, I got a text saying ‘I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.’ … I ignored him for days.
I had to invite one of my friends over one night because I was so scared of this guy. I told him I’d lend him one of my textbooks and he wanted to pick it up. I’d just gotten off work, and after I ate supper I went to check my phone. There were five missed messages, six missed calls, and eight snapchats, all basically asking where I was and that he was going to go door to door looking for me. My friend came over and wrote me this big breakup message. After I sent it, he still wouldn’t stop contacting me. It got to the point where I left one of his snaps on read and he just blocked me. This all happened within a week, IT WAS CRAZY.”
Spooky Rating: 1,000,000/10. This is what would happen if Hannibal Lecter and Jack Torrance had a baby and this baby mated with Patrick Bateman.
What do you think? Have a better story? Send me your worst date stories and we’ll select the best ones for a follow-up article.
By: Iain Burhoe
Photo: TINDER Trademark Inc.