By: Daniel Brown
While there have been major developments and updates regarding the now city wide Fencegate scandal, the student conduit in question is still nagging relentlessly at the troubled souls of those affected. There was a shimmer of hope last Thursday (October 1st) that the City of Charlottetown had finally made arrangements to intercede and dismantle the barrier unless removed by it’s owner, but a later announcement was made informing that there were communication errors and that the situation is still ongoing. Many students have already fully adapted to the lackluster lifestyle, with a notable increase of scooters on campus being recorded in the Cadre’s latest surveys.
Amidst this time of confusion, doubt, and political tension, it is imperative we do not overlook other problems within our universities infrastructure. An extra fifteen minutes of commute time isn’t the only problem on campus, and to strongly advocate one cause but to completely ignore another of equal or more pressing consequence is simply unprofessional, irrational, and above all, not cool. This being said, the Cadre uncovered some incriminating information earlier this semester suggesting that this is exactly what is taking place under our noses. After some extensive research by our top analysts, details have been unearthed indicating that an internal dispute of revolutionary proportions is being fought on our very own territory, and that the storm grows stronger with each passing day. Certain unnamed parties have been trying to keep the conspiracy under wraps, but the Cadre is finally able to reveal what exactly is going on that makes Fencegate in comparison come off as a topic someone would write intentionally illegitimate articles about for humour’s sake.
The toddlers of Campus Kids Child Care Centre are declaring war against the scholars of UPEI.
The little tykes, patrons to our universities humble grounds, have been trying to voice their opinions for the past several years now, to allegedly be met back with nothing but prejudice, intolerance, discrimination, and, “Aw so cute.” They’ve had an active gate confining them to their playground since the daycare was first established, long before our own fence issues arose, thus they are quite upset by our clear lack of awareness towards their own similar woes. They have been firmly campaigning for the equal rights of schoolers and preschoolers alike for some time now, and wish only to share resources with one another and use our pathways as trading routes. The official records were difficult to track down, but we managed to discover via cloak-and-dagger means that every time the kids approached the university with their propositions, they were immediately shut down with comments such as, “You’re not old enough,” “Play-Doh is not a valid means of paying tuition” and, “Aw so cute.” Time and time again the rugrats were sent back to their infant incarceration, and we at the Cadre have reason to believe that they have had enough, and that they are about to take an offensive stance. Nothing is confirmed as of yet; this is simply a presentation of the facts that we have found. It should be noted at this time that the Cadre takes no position on the matter.
It all started in the first semester of the 2014-2015 academic year. Events were beginning to unfold, but the covert nature of it all kept the Cadre from being properly informed. It was our universities second largest news empire, UPEI Confessions, that reported suspicious conduct coming from the daycare. On October 7th, 2015, Confessor #716 brought to light what appeared to be an attempt at burrowing underneath the enclosure. We believe that this was one of their earlier stabs at a hostile takeover, as the scene depicted demonstrates an absence of organization amongst them. If it were organized, the pit would be concealed and the shovels would have been returned to the toy bin, so that clever university goers would not become aware of their scheme. The next report came from Confessor #1922 on January 18, 2015. A peculiar white tether was spotted late at night, implying tactical intentions to descend down the university side of the fence. Many may think that this is simply another one of their escape plans, but anthropological studies of the kids’ deep-rooted culture shows that this may actually be a sign of new leadership. This is also supported by the fact that the kids’ parents probably picked them up by the time this report was issued, and hence no one would be there.
On February 20th, 2015, everything changed. It wasn’t too long after their elections that Confessor #2179 reported an attack on the south end of the Robertson Library. It is unknown how they got out of the daycare, but it is plain to see that the kids strategically waited until the snowbank was high enough to reach the red zone sunroom. According to Confessor #2179, who is still recovering from post-traumatic stress, the munchkins shattered through the glass using high velocity snowballs rolled in their adorable little mittens, and proceeded to invade. Twelve UPEI students were held hostage for fifteen hours, while the university negotiated. After their terms of military grade weaponry and a pre-screening of Inside Out were met, the kids retreated back to their daycare as they are just too small to fight grownups. UPEI was able to keep the incident on the down low, as hardly anyone could make it into school that day anyway due to the crazy weather.
UPDATE: Intel was recently received showing that on March 9th, 2015, shortly after the attack on the red zone, Confessor #2260 discovered some form of public rally or demonstration at the daycare. The fence at this point was completely covered by snow, and one could see this as a display of intimidation or dominance from the children. No other news outlets covered this story, and it seems to have been kept out of the media entirely. Our top analysts are still looking into it.
Ever since these pivotal events, it has undoubtedly been a diplomatic nightmare for UPEI, even though they try to hide it. The university is struggling to keep the situation off the radar for as long as possible by distracting students with petty things like SU Elections and Trivia @ The Wave every Wednesday Night (9pm). The daycare, on the other hand, is merely biding its time. While what we are dubbing the Cold War of ‘15 has not actually made any progress for the ankle-biters, it is still by all means extremely advantageous for them. They obviously have strength, both in brawn and in bureaucracy, and they have the leverage in being UPEI’s potential next generation of students. This being considered, who can blame them for being upset with our full focus on overcoming the Fencegate scandal when Fencegate Jr. has been going on for years? Could this be the spark that starts the fire?
We at the Cadre are taking a big risk coming to these shocking conclusions, and it was not without weeks of double checking details and ensuring that the evidence is evident. As a precaution, we reached out to the kids to see if we could ask a few questions, and much to our surprise, we had an exclusive opportunity to meet with Tommy, four year old Secretary of Defence and Official Liaison for all Daycare/University Interactions. No explicit comments were made on the issue at hand, of course, as this kind of exchange could potentially be compromising for the children’s cunning ruse. Even though the dialogue was short, a lot can be extracted from Tommy’s overall odd behavior. The interview transcript can be read below.
Even with this, however, these are some very rash accusations to be making. Sure, UPEI Confessions has dated records of civil unrest, and sure, Tommy can be interpreted as if it was him who stole the cookies from the cookie jar. But we’ve saved the biggest piece of proof for last. While waiting within the daycare for their interview with Tommy, our investigative journalist was able to inspect the inner workings of the children’s headquarters. After some prudent digging around, a condemning document was obtained from underneath an impressive Duplo construct, and it is only a small insight into what could potentially be taking place on the other side of that fence. Behold, Exhibit A, which should adequately explain itself.
Whether our allegations be correct or not, make sure to stay alert when walking by the Campus Kids Child Care Centre throughout the next couple of weeks. Because again, these are the facts, and based on what they are insinuating, the younguns are preparing for battle. UPEI could very well transform into a warzone, and as efficient as scooters are, they won’t save us from those modified flaming-buzzsaw drones.
Furthermore, the Cold War of ‘15 made irrefutable the preferred and most effective time of year for these kids to strike.
Winter is coming.
INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT – October 5th, 2015
CADRE – Thank you for meeting with me today, Mr. Secretary
TOMMY – I… can we go outside?
CADRE – First and foremost, is there anything you’d like to say regarding the ongoing
belittlement that you and your people have been secretively subjected to?
TOMMY – There’s a boat outside and it’s really fun. It even has a steering wheel!
CADRE – I see. Well, are you familiar with UPEI Confessions coverage of the events
spanning Fall of 2014 throughout Winter of 2015? specifically regarding you and your
team, not all that damn nonsense in between. Is there any practical reasoning behind
TOMMY – CUSS JAR!
CADRE – Sorry?
TOMMY – You said a cuss word!
CADRE – …
*Investigative Journalist leans over to nearby desk and drops quarter in jar labeled “Cuss
CADRE – Now, I mean you no disrespect Mr. Secretary, but I would really appreciate
some answers to these questions.
TOMMY – Blood will be shed.
CADRE – … I’m sorry, can you repeat that?
TOMMY – My Dad drives monster trucks.
CADRE – …
*End of coherent conversation