It was quite the scene Wednesday morning as an unassuming white balloon was spotted floating above the W.A. Murphy Student Centre. Throughout the quad, students stood in droves, their necks craning to the sky, perplexed while blocking the sun from their eyes with outstretched hands. Then an incisive onlooker detected something off-putting.
“There’s a little black thing attached to it. A camera!”
It appears that yet another spy balloon has entered Canadian airspace, and this time it’s giving Canada Games athletes some extra target practice.
“We’re calling in the archery teams,” says UPEI’s defence minister. “No mercy will be shown to these foreign technologies. The athlete who immobilizes this thing will be automatically awarded a gold medal.”
As global tensions rise in response to the newfound potential for an alien invasion, various student clubs at UPEI put forth their own solutions.
“Inclusivity above all. Regardless of intent, alien life forms will be welcomed and accepted into our campus community, no questions asked,” says a 2SLGBTQUIA+ representative. “We will consider adding another letter for the aliens.”
Not everybody showed so much compassion, though.
“Let’s put those little green bastards in cages and open a circus,” says a member of the business society. “I hear alien tourism is the next big thing. But first, let’s examine their bones for carbon levels.”
Alien life aside, the presence of the balloon alone was enough to pit suspicions against political adversaries.
“This is China’s way of re-infecting the West,” says a 1st-year political science student. “I saw green clouds coming out of the tailpipes. Where are our fighter jets, Justin?”
Environmental concerns have also arisen due to the UFO’s capacity to create shade.
“The sun is the biggest obstacle to solving the climate crisis,” says an environmental studies major. “And while there is no off-switch, every little bit of help counts. Thank you, China.”
UPEI administration has released a statement that aims at quelling anxieties around the balloon situation.
“Making Canada Games athletes feel at home is our top priority. The balloon will take excellent pictures of the games,” I says an administrative member. “We were going to pay our faculty to take pictures, but now we don’t have to. Talk about a win-win!”
As this strange object continues to hang over us like the guilt of last weekend, and we continue to scramble and cope with the unknown, let’s remember what really matters: we are all going through this thing together. Does anybody know what in the Sam Hill is going on here? Probably not. So find some solace in the fact that you are just as clueless as the rest of us.
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