Humour: Leaked memo uncovers controversial spending by student union executive

By: Colin Doran

John Ployer is the VP Finance of the UPEISU. A recently leaked memo has revealed that Ployer spent $25,000 on character outfits for the game Fortnite. The purchase was hidden from council under the guise of a new service called ‘Panther Patrol’. (Allison O’Brien) 

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This article is part of The Cadre’s humour section. It is satire, please stop asking John if this happened.

The UPEI Student Union is harbouring a dark secret from its members. 

You may have heard of the ongoing scandal at Ryerson Student Union, where executives have been caught using copious amounts of student money for personal gain. While serious, all I can say is that one member of our UPEISU executive team is no better when it comes to the use of student money.

In the Fall the Student Union had a surplus of $55,000 in student fees that it did not know what to do with.

The Executives have claimed to have spent the money on a brand new shuttle service called the Panther Patrol. This shuttle is allegedly for students who require drives to the grocery store or home from a wet-dry, but I have since uncovered the truth.

This service won’t be available anytime soon due to gross overspending on Fortnite V-Bucks.

For those who are unaware what a V-Buck actually is, it’s a cryptocurrency for the smash hit game, Fortnite.

This game pins 100 players against each other on a constantly shrinking island in a free-for-all fight to the death. The core game is free to play, but there is a catch. If the player wants to obtain a unique look for their character, like the character John Wick from the movie John Wick for example, the player will need to spend real money on the game’s currency called V-Bucks.

The player can purchase 1000 V-bucks for $10. It seems like an okay price to pay for a free game but it is a slippery slope.

One of the UPEISU executives has spent $25,000 on V-Bucks alone.

From a leaked memo sent to me by an anonymous source, it turns out that the current Vice President Finance and Administration John Ployer has actually spent the majority of this money on V-Bucks.

He has never kept his obsession a secret from anyone. It began in the spring of 2018 shortly after he started his job as VP Finance.

I invited him over to my apartment to hang out and I showed him the game and after playing a few rounds himself, he was hooked.

Most of the time he has a 24-hour Fortnite stream on the second monitor in his office. Every so often you can catch a glimpse of him performing the popular dance moves included in the game like the “Floss” and “Orange Justice” in the halls of the W.A. Murphy Student Center.

This man is out of control and needs to be stopped.

I have since reached out to Mr. Ployer for a comment on the situation.

”Colin, this is the third time this week you’ve interrupted me while I’m working. I have deadlines to meet, please leave me alone or I’m calling campus security again,” he said.

The lie continued as he added, “I don’t even play Fortnite! And I can even prove that we bought the Panther Patrol van, it’s in the parking lot right now.”

I have checked into this matter, and this new van does in fact exist. The Student Union has even hired drivers to cover up the controversy.

Do not believe a word he says. I know for a fact that this new Panther Patrol is a cover-up for a larger conspiracy of gross overspending of student funds on a video game.

Future updates will be reported on as I dig deeper into this situation.

This article is part of The Cadre’s humour section.