The Cadre | UPEI

Trump Contemplates Ending Annual Turkey Pardon: Report

WASHINGTON – United States President and noted respecter of the law Donald Trump is ruffling feathers in the White House, where he is contemplating the end of the annual turkey pardon according to a source close to the situation.

The first on-the-record turkey pardon was granted by President Ronald Reagan at the National Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation in 1987, and it wasn’t until the start of President George H.W. Bush’s term in 1989 that it became an annual tradition.

Trump, known for his bouts of fleeting attentiveness, was shocked to learn that it was a tradition for the President to pardon turkeys.

“Did Obama start this?” asked Trump to a staffer. “Why would we pardon a turkey? That is totally disrespectful to the rule of law in this country.”

Trump is familiar with pardons, having openly suggested the ability to pardon himself and having already pardoned Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the law enforcement official who had described one of his own jails as a “concentration camp,” arrested journalists who covered him, sent a detective to Hawaii to search for President Obama’s birth certificate, staged an assassination attempt against himself, lost a civil rights case regarding racial profiling, and assigned detectives to investigate the judge who made the decision in that last case.

Although Big Turkey has vigorously lobbied the President to keep the turkey pardon in place, it appears their efforts have fallen on deaf ears. According to our source, Trump already holds a highly developed set of preferences for feathered creatures that does not look open to change.

“Turkeys aren’t real birds,” Trump was overheard saying. “Turkeys can’t even fly, okay? I like birds that can fly.”


By: Nathan Hood


This article is part of The Cadre’s humour section