Two Chimpanzees Fired After Botching Storm Closure

By: Nathan Hood

CHARLOTTETOWN – Two chimpanzees have been fired by UPEI after it received criticism for its delayed decision to close the university on January 23rd, The Cadre has learned.

The chimpanzees were brought in from the Atlantic Veterinary College as part of a pilot project to reduce costs associated with the storm closure decision-making process.

In what some are calling a “dick move”, the university announced its decision to close more than an hour after than Holland College despite warnings from the RCMP that road conditions were deteriorating.

Sandra Adams, the associate vice-president of animal resources, refused to comment on the situation, citing confidentiality around employment issues.

“Doomed to Fail”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one staff member who worked with the chimpanzees said it was no surprise that the storm closure was botched.

“You could tell this initiative was doomed to fail from the start,” the employee said. “You couldn’t even have a conversation with these guys.”

Although the chimpanzees were instructed to contact the RCMP to collect insights that would inform their decision on a potential storm closure, the staff member revealed the chimpanzees only knew how to dial 9-1-1 on a landline phone, which quickly turned into prank calling.

It only got worse from there.

“Then they took the phone and started smashing it on the table,” the employee said. “And I was like ‘great, there goes the fucking phone.’”

The staff member claimed to have then made the executive decision to close the university after seeing an outpouring of requests on Twitter.

“As an administrator, I committed fully and unreservedly to acting in the best interests of students,” the staff member said. “I would never, for any reason, act in a manner that is or might be perceived as contrary to students’ best interests – because I’m an administrator, after all.”

Questions about why chimpanzees were hired

Tonya Neighbours, the acting president of the SU, was shocked to learn the University was employing chimpanzees.

“Quite frankly, why would you hire chimpanzees when you could hire students who actually need the money?” she said. “Students would be just as equally unqualified to make a storm closure decision but at least they would give us easy snow days, which everyone wants, by the way.”

The byelection candidates for president, Justin Clory and Chelsea Perry, have not commented on the situation.

They are possibly pro-chimpanzee.

 

Relax bro, it’s a joke. This article is part of The Cadre’s humour section.